Advance Directives May Unearth Buried Family Issues

Terri Cullen provides a first-hand report of the Hidden Complications of a Living Will, Wall St. J., May 1, 2008.  She explains what happened when her mom, after learning that she needed potentially risky surgery, decided to formalize her desires regarding medical care and dying.

Here are some excerpts from her article:

I was glad mom decided to tackle this delicate piece of estate planning — whether she was facing a medical crisis or not. Although I suspected my mom shared my views on end-of-life care I wasn’t entirely sure, and I knew it would be a relief to have her wishes in writing. And by designating someone to speak for her in the event she couldn’t, it should help to ease any family conflicts over who would ultimately be responsible for making tough decisions.

Should being the operative word. Mom’s medical directives made her wishes about medical treatment clear, but emotions ran high when one of her health-care choices unintentionally rekindled a long-simmering family conflict. * * *

My sister Melissa, and brothers Mike and Joe, and I had no concerns about mom’s living will — mom made her feelings about specific medical treatments and procedures clear. * * * But I was caught off guard by Melissa’s reaction to discovering that my mom designated Bob and me to be her health-care proxies.

I thought mom’s logic made sense: Bob has been her companion of almost 20 years — though not married, they might as well be. And since her oldest son, my brother Mike, lives in Texas, Mom chose her second-oldest (me) to be her second proxy. (What mother wants her child agonizing over making life or death decisions from halfway across the country?)

But Melissa didn’t see it that way. As the youngest child, Melissa has always been especially close with our mom and she felt strongly that she knew mom’s wishes best. * * *

Melissa was also angry that Bob was involved. When Melissa was younger, she felt Bob interfered with her relationship with our mother. But over time my sister seemed to make peace with the fact that Bob and mom had become partners for life. So my brothers and I were surprised that Melissa was so upset that Bob had been given a say in our mother’s care.