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The Right Way to Help Someone Grieve

By Gerry W. Beyer

Comforting Comforting someone who is grieving the death of a loved one takes skill. Many people don’t know how to handle the situation, and some even avoid the grieving person because they are uncomfortable with all the emotions. Some tips for handling this situation are below:

You Should:

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      • Listen. Let the grieving person share what is important and follow his lead.
      • Send personalized messages or gifts, such as a poem that fits the situation or a link to a fitting song.
      • Share a fond memory or something you liked about the loved one.
      • Offer practical help, such as assistance with the funeral planning, mowing the lawn, bringing food, or babysitting.
      • Let him know you’re sorry to hear the news and that you’re thinking about him. It’s ok to admit that you don’t know what to say.
      • Follow his lead on Facebook or other social networking sites. If he hasn’t posted about the death, neither should you. If he has, simply share a memory or express your condolences.
      • Don’t expect a response, and let him know it’s ok to not respond.  Promise to be there in the following weeks or months, and keep your promise.

You Shouldn’t:

  • Avoid acknowledging his loss altogether.
  • Make cliché statements such as “he was so young,” “good things come from bad,” or “he’s at peace now.”
  • Make inquiries about the death, causing the grieving person to relive the pain.
  • Launch into a detailed story of your loss of a loved one or tell him you know how he feels. Briefly mentioning that you lost your mother too is alright, followed by “I can only imagine what you’re going through.”
  • Tell the grieving person to move on. Avoid words such as “should,” “need,” and “ought.”
  • Share your religious beliefs unless the grieving person shares first. Simply saying that you’re keeping the family in your prayers is OK.

See Elizabeth Bernstein, When a Friend Grieves, How to Get Sympathy Right, W.S.J., Jan. 25, 2011.

Special thanks to Jim Hillhouse (WealthCounsel) for bringing this to my attention.

Posted in:
Death Event Planning