A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement

The rules of family life have changed over the past half century. According to Joshua Coleman, “you can be a conscientious parent and your kid may still want nothing to do with you when they’re older.” 

Coleman stated that estranged parents “often tell [him] that their child is rewriting the history of their childhood, accusing them of things they didn’t do, and/or failing to acknowledge the ways in which the parent demonstrated their love and commitment.” 

Further, “adult children frequently say the parent is gaslighting them by not acknowledging the harm they caused or are still causing, failing to respect their boundaries, and/or being unwilling to accept the adult child’s requirements for a healthy relationship.” 

This is where the failure to acknowledge the significant change in the rules of family life emerges. Over the past half century, the search for personal growth, the pursuit of happiness, and the “need to confront and overcome psychological obstacles” have become much more prevalent. With that, the need for mutual understanding among family members has began to outweigh the need for mutual obligation. 

Estrangement is one of the major symptoms of the lack of mutual understanding in family relationships. According to Coleman, during the past 50 years parents have been “working harder than ever to be good parents.” Thus, the increased investment of time and affection has made parents and adult children more consistent leading to more positive contact. 

See Joshua Coleman, A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement, The Atlantic, January 10, 2021. 

Special thanks to Lewis Saret (Attorney, Washington, D.C.) for bringing this article to my attention.